Pretty in Black

so far October has been probably the happiest month of the year hanging out with my favorite people. (wish i could see my other favorite people more often) we have been baking and cooking a lot at the house. everyday seems like a feast and everyday seems like it gets colder and colder. i love it. i carved pumpkins the other night with the help of Tony. it was so hard! they came out kinda retarded. well they look good from far away. i’m going to make myself dead and get happy drunk this 3-day weekend. Rose and Ruben return from their vacations. i miss them so much! i am excited!

i had a strange dream last night. the most amazing part was when i was at the beach. the sun was shining and so was the moon at the same time. i set up my tripod to take a picture. when i looked away from the view finder the moon was floating on the sea and it slowly started becoming transparent.

i haven’t smoked in 20 days! and i have no desire to smoke at all.

it’s been chilly only a couple days and i already want to use the fireplace. i think i’m way too excited for the holidays. i went to starbucks to buy a pumpkin spice latte. i cuddled in bed for hours. my favorite. i want to bake and eat soup all the time. i just want to feel warm. my room is almost always candle lit when i’m home now. i can’t wait for halloween, thanksgiving and christmas and the smell of gravy and peppermint.

i got a bonus check for $136.77

i think it’s time to feel alive again. let’s rock and roll.

last night sucked. i could not sleep. insomnia is getting worse.

5 days.

i haven’t smoked in 5 days. saturday night my cravings were really bad i was seriously punching the couch. it was a good thing rose was there to hold me back. not only that but Ruben is a dick and thinks it’s funny to smoke around me or tease me and offer me cigarettes. i just get up and walk away. yeah, thanks buddy. thanks for the support asshole.

this is something i really really want to and need to do. i’m trying really really hard. i had two packs of cigarettes in my bag. i gave them away. i haven’t been as bitchy but i want coke all the time. not nose candy. coke, the kind you drink. i want it ALL the time. i don’t drink soda really. i figured for now i’ll let myself drink coke if it’s going to keep me from smoking. i haven’t even been out in a while. that’s going to be another thing to get past. being around alcohol and cigarettes… that’s when i’m the biggest fiend. for now i’m staying home. good job, M.